HUMOR OFFICE

Married Ten Times and Still a Virgin

2010-08-26T07:04:00.000-04:00

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well,Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

2010-08-25T16:32:00.003-04:00

22 inch lcd tv

32 inch lcd tv

Doctor Seuss Poem about Work

2010-08-21T20:11:00.000-04:00

Doctor Seuss Poem about Work

Company Policy Office Humor

2010-08-19T17:28:00.000-04:00

Company Policy click here Office Humor

*

The Laws of Reality

2010-08-14T08:37:00.000-04:00

The Laws of Reality

Company Policy - Office Humor

2010-08-14T08:29:00.000-04:00

Company Policy - Office Humor

Doctor Seuss Poem about Work

2010-06-22T12:12:00.000-04:00

Doctor Seuss Poem about Work

Funny Office Humour

2010-06-22T12:10:00.000-04:00

Funny Office Humour

Caution Men at Work

2010-06-22T12:06:00.000-04:00

Caution Men at Work

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

2010-06-16T14:13:00.000-04:00

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

Number One all time Interview Mistake

2010-06-07T13:29:00.000-04:00

Number One all time Interview Mistake

What not not to do and What to Say in a Job Interview

2010-06-07T11:56:00.001-04:00

Don’t look at your watch every 10 minutes.

Don’t play with things like a pen or a knickknack sitting on the interviewer’s desk.

Don’t get too comfortable.

Don’t promise to fix the company's two years of losses and cure all the problems in the world.

Don’t assume that you have the job until it’s offered to you.

What to Say and do in a Job Interview

1. The art of listening
One of the first skills of a conversation is the art of listening.
2. When to speak
Keep in mind when to speak and when not to. This is doubly important when you are facing more than one interviewer.
3. The information you provide
Quality over quantity Concentration and focus are quite important.
4. Provide Facts
5. Relevancy
focus on relevancy.
6. A team player
Make it clear to the interviewers that you are a team player.

8. Future plans

9. Honest answers

Proof Read your ~~resumeeee:~~

“Skills: Strong Work Ethic, Attention to Detail, Team Player, Self Motivated, Attention to Detail”

Woman who sent her résumé and cover letter without deleting someone else’s editing, including such comments as “I don’t think you want to say this about yourself here”

What not to say in an interview! What not to do In an Interview!

2010-06-07T11:43:00.003-04:00

NEVER SAY or do THESE THINGS

1. How much does the job pay?

2. What does your company make (or do)?

3. Do not use SLANG words or phrases in your job interview.

4. What can you do for me; what are the benefits like vacations, promotions and bonuses?

5. No profanity or cursing of any kind.

6. No stereotypical language.

7. Do not criticize any former employer.

8. If you are asked if you have any questions, don't say "No."

9. I don't have any weaknesses.

10. Don't tell them your life story.

11. “I don’t know anything about this company.”

12. “What church do you go to?”

Some humorous and silly examples of what people did in interviews that they shouldn't have done:

Said he was so well qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.
Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
Brought her large dog to the interview.
Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.
She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to the music and me at the same time.
Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office.
Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.
Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.
Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.
Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.
Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.
He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
He took off his right shoe and sock, opened a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.
Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
She threw up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.
Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.
Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

Eager to Impress the Boss Office Humour

2010-05-27T15:38:00.000-04:00

Eager to Impress the Boss Office Humour

Please email me your favourites. *Rate the commercials (below) from 1-10

E-Mail Addiction Joke

2010-05-23T06:56:00.000-04:00

E-Mail Addiction Joke

Truth Hurts Health Weight Joke

2010-05-23T06:54:00.000-04:00

Truth Hurts Health Weight Joke

Evil Eye and your Boss

2010-05-23T06:51:00.000-04:00

Evil Eye and your Boss

Boss on your Ass!

2010-05-23T06:49:00.000-04:00

Boss on your Ass!

And That's When The Fight Started: Dressed for work -Fail!

2010-04-30T16:24:00.000-04:00

And That's When The Fight Started: Dressed for work -Fail!

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED...*******************************************

Funny “Disorder in the American Courts”

2010-04-27T21:15:00.000-04:00

Funny “Disorder in the American Courts”

Your Office Earth Day Initiative or Attempt to Save Money!

2010-04-23T06:45:00.000-04:00

Only for the White-collar Washrooms

Have a Nice Day -Not!

2010-04-23T06:43:00.001-04:00

4 Cats

2010-04-23T06:42:00.000-04:00

>   Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
>
>   The first man was an Engineer,
>   The second man was an Accountant,
>   The third man was a Chemist, and
>   The fourth man was a Government Employee.
>  >   To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
>
>   T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and
> promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
>
>   Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
>
>   But the Accountant said his cat could do better He called his cat and
> said,
>   'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
>
>   Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
> He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
>
>   Everyone agreed that was good.
>
>   But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
> said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'
>
>   Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
> ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass
> without spilling a drop.
>
>   Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
>
>   Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can
> your cat do?'
>
>   The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your
> stuff.'
>
>   CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
>
>   Ate the cookies..........
>
>   Drank the milk.......
>
>   Shit on the paper.......
>
>   Screwed the other three cats.......
>
>   Claimed he injured his back while doing so........
>
>   Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........
>
> Put in for Workers Compensation................
>
>   and
>
>   Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............
>
> AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANT'S TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

The higher you go the smaller you get!

2010-04-14T16:35:00.000-04:00

Load of Balls
After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: soccer
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

No Fitness Program -Office Humor

2010-04-14T16:16:00.000-04:00

New Office Policies

2010-04-11T21:11:00.002-04:00

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you can not handle a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input
should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Short Guy

2010-04-11T13:43:00.001-04:00

CREDIT!

2010-04-09T12:05:00.001-04:00

TURN OFF YOUR SPEAKER!

2010-04-09T12:02:00.002-04:00

HARD AT WORK!

2010-04-09T11:56:00.001-04:00

Funny Job Evaluation Comments

2010-04-09T11:55:00.000-04:00

AVERAGE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
Asshole.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.

HAPPY:
Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL:
Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments

2010-04-09T11:50:00.000-04:00

Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.

Active socially: Drinks heavily.

Alert to company developments: An office gossip.

Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.

Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.

Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the neck.

Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.

Happy: Paid too much.

Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.

Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.

Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.

Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.

Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.

Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.

Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.

Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.

Not a desk person: Did not go to college.

Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.

Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.

Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.

Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.

Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

Back to Work Nude on Monday Morning

2010-04-09T11:40:00.002-04:00

Ten great reasons to go to work naked

10. No-one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. “I’d love to chip in… but I left my wallet in my pants.”

3. It’s an inventive way to finally meet that ’special’ person in Human Resources.

2. You can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

1. Your boss will never say, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!” ever again.

Let the Boss go First!

2010-04-07T10:02:00.002-04:00

A insurance sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I´ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admi

n clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She´s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He´s gone.

“OK, you´re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

Warren Buffett Plays Axl Rose In Hilarious New Geico Commercial

2010-03-19T11:53:00.000-04:00

Fluffy and Cedric - Bunny Story With a Moral

2010-03-13T14:55:00.000-05:00

Fluffy and Cedric - Bunny Story With a Moral

Fluffy, the orphan bunny and Cedric the orphan snake lived in the forest; they were, by an amazing coincidence, both blind from birth.

One morning, bright and early Fluffy was hopping through the forest when he tripped over the body of Cedric who was basking in the sunlit undergrowth. Fluffy landed quite hard on the prostrate body of Cedric.

'Crikey,' exclaimed Fluffy the bunny, 'I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to squash you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what creature I am.'

'That's OK, mate,' commented Cedric the snake. 'Actually my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you and work out what you are, so at least you'll be able to find that out.'

'What a marvellous idea,' replied Fluffy the bunny.

So the Cedric slithered all over Fluffy and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried Fluffy with tremendous pleasure. Then Fluffy the bunny suggested to the snake, 'Perhaps I could be allowed to feel you all over with my paw and help you the same way that you've helped me.'

So Fluffy the bunny felt Cedric the snake all over and summarised, 'Well, you're smooth and slippery, you have a forked tongue and no backbone. I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management.'

Best Boobie Sneeze Ever!

2010-03-05T11:25:00.000-05:00

Click below for a very funny boobie sneeze!!!

http://digg.com/d31KdVX

Boob Proof!

2010-03-04T08:58:00.000-05:00

After a few pints at the local pub I arrived home and said to my wife, "I never knew this. I am so glad my friends provided me information that can help me more properly use the English language."

She said, "What are you talking about?"

I said, "There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce Oklahoma!

The Proper Way is: ‘ Okla . . Homa’

There’s a pause between the ‘a’ and the ‘h’."

She said, "No way!"

I said, "I can prove it!"

So I took her to the pub to meet my new friend.

and that's when the fight started...

Taking Action

2010-03-04T07:35:00.000-05:00

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management-training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.
"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."

Pop Quiz

2010-03-04T07:28:00.003-05:00

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

Punctuation is powerful!

2010-03-04T05:43:00.000-05:00

An English professor wrote the words:

"A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his
students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:

"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females wrote:

"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful!

1981 & 2005 - two interesting years!

2010-03-04T05:38:00.000-05:00

Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

Lesson Learned : The next time Charles gets married....Please someone warn the Pope !!!

Anything I want!

2010-03-04T05:18:00.002-05:00

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went fishing.

and that's when the fight started...

Just 1 Glass!

2010-03-03T18:00:00.000-05:00

Does Management know their Staff?

2010-03-03T17:29:00.003-05:00

On walking into the factory, the Managing Director of the company noticed a
young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.

He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question,
he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and
gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working,
not for standing around looking pretty!

Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.

Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that
applies to everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man I
just fired?"

To which an amazing reply came - "He was the pizza delivery guy , Sir!"

The Affair

2010-03-03T10:45:00.001-05:00

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The Bacon tree

2010-03-03T10:43:00.000-05:00

Two guys are lost in the desert. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden one of them (Mark) says, "Hey Dave, do you smell what I smell. It's bacon, I think."

"Yeah Mark, it sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There is fried bacon, double smoked bacon, Canadian bacon; every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Dave, Dave, we are saved. It's a bacon tree."

"Mark, maybe it's a mirage? We are in the desert don't forget."

"Dave, since when did you ever hear of a mirage that smells like bacon? It's no mirage, it's a bacon tree."

And with that, Mark staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five feet, with Dave crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Mark drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Dave with his dying breath, "Dave, go back man, you were right, it's not a bacon tree!"

"Mark, Mark my friend, what is it?"

"Dave it's not a bacon tree; it's, it's, it's, a ham bush!"

Dancing with the Stars 2010 Lineup - Pamela Anderson

2010-03-02T13:20:00.000-05:00

I hope Pamela wins, just so we can see the outfits she'll be wearing!

Pamela Anderson
The veteran actress/ model/ Borat abduction target, Former Baywatch Star, Pamel is 42.

She will be adding a lot to the show. One way or another!

Nicole Scherzinger
Best known as the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls, the 31-year-old Scherzinger would seem to have a natural advantage on "DWTS" due to her extensive singing/dancing work.

Kate Gosselin
The newly divorced reality star and mother of eight, Kate, 34,

Chad Ochocinco

Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco.

Shannen Doherty
Like former co-stars Jennie Garth and Ian Ziering before her, "Beverly Hills, 90210" alum Shannen Doherty, is 38.

Evan Lysacek
At the just-concluded Winter Olympics, this 24-year-old figure skater took home the gold.

Erin Andrews
Long beloved by sports fans for her brains, beauty and sideline-reporting skills.

Buzz Aldrin
The original moonwalker, Aldrin was on the historic Apollo 11 mission and accompanied Neil Armstrong as they set foot on the moon. Now, he's 80 years old

Aiden Turner
Best known for his role as Aidan Devane on "All My Children," f

Niecy Nash
40-year-old comic actress.

Jake Pavelka
"The Bachelor."

Old Spice - The man you could smell like!

2010-03-02T06:09:00.000-05:00

Stopping by the Office One Day

2010-03-01T15:43:00.004-05:00

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

If the truth be told!

2010-03-01T13:36:00.002-05:00

Who's the Boss?

2010-03-01T11:45:00.000-05:00

The boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that

Read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

" Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Hitler Responds to the IPad

2010-02-27T06:34:00.002-05:00

A few Office Humor Images

2010-02-26T11:43:00.000-05:00

Doctor’s Office Advertising…

2010-02-26T11:05:00.000-05:00

You may have seen incidental pharmaceutical advertising in doctor’s offices printed on everything from tissue boxes to exam table cover paper. This one should get 1st prize….

One of our doctor buddies e-mailed back:
‘If the light stays on for more than 4 hours, call your erectrician.’

A little Fitness Humour for you while you look up Winter Olympic News on your Computer

2010-02-26T11:00:00.000-05:00

Neck Exercises to do at the computer

That's What She Said!

2010-02-26T10:55:00.002-05:00

E-Mail Auto Replies

2010-02-26T10:50:00.002-05:00

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position .

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

11: I've run away to join a different circus.

Office Truisms

2010-02-26T10:48:00.001-05:00

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

Job Evaluation Comments

2010-02-26T10:45:00.000-05:00

       1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

       2. This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

       3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

       4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there.

       5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

       6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

       7. He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

       8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

       9. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

     10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

     11. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.

     12. A room temperature IQ.

     13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.

     14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

     15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

     16. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

     17. Bright as Alaska in December.

     18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

     19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

     20. Fell out of the family tree.

     21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

     22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it.

     23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

     24. If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.

     25. If he were anymore stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

     26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.

     27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

     28. It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

     29. On neuron short of a synapse.

     30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

     31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

     32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

     33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

     34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

Office Notice

2010-02-26T10:19:00.001-05:00

Please Notice!!

You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice.

And, we have noticed that some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable.

It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. Therefore, this notice is to remind you to notice the notices and to respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.

>From the Notice Committee for Noticing Notices