Friday

Your Office Earth Day Initiative or Attempt to Save Money!


Only for the White-collar Washrooms

Have a Nice Day -Not!

4 Cats



Sulumits Retsambew Cat Boxer

>   Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
>
>   The first man was an Engineer,
>   The second man was an Accountant,
>   The third man was a Chemist, and
>   The fourth man was a Government Employee.
>  >   To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
>
>   T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and
> promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
>
>   Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
>
>   But the Accountant said his cat could do better He called his cat and
> said,
>   'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
>
>   Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
> He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
>
>   Everyone agreed that was good.
>
>   But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
> said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'
>
>   Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
> ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass
> without spilling a drop.
>
>   Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
>
>   Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can
> your cat do?'
>
>   The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your
> stuff.'
>
>   CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
>
>   Ate the cookies..........
>
>   Drank the milk.......
>
>   Shit on the paper.......
>
>   Screwed the other three cats.......
>
>   Claimed he injured his back while doing so........
>
>   Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........
>
> Put in for Workers Compensation................
>
>   and
>
>   Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............
>
> AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE  WANT'S TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

Wednesday

The higher you go the smaller you get!

Load of Balls
After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: soccer
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

No Fitness Program -Office Humor

Sunday

New Office Policies

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you can not handle a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll  will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input
should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Short Guy

Short Guy

Friday

CREDIT!

TURN OFF YOUR SPEAKER!

HARD AT WORK!

Funny Job Evaluation Comments





AVERAGE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
Asshole.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.

HAPPY:
Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL:
Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments


Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the neck.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

Back to Work Nude on Monday Morning


Ten great reasons to go to work naked


10. No-one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. “I’d love to chip in… but I left my wallet in my pants.”

3. It’s an inventive way to finally meet that ’special’ person in Human Resources.

2. You can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

1. Your boss will never say, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!” ever again.

Wednesday

Let the Boss go First!


A insurance sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I´ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admi

n clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She´s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He´s gone.

“OK, you´re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.